The Lineal Life That Wasn't: Lies My Childhood Told Me.

It seems from the earliest of years I had this blueprint sitting in front of me of what was next, what was planned, and what was acceptable.... The idea being that you get through school, maybe choosing to continue on to college, but that at some point you enter the workplace. From there you are to dedicate yourself to a career, meet somebody to start a family, then begin the process of establishing yourself as a valid member in your community...

That was the trajectory established for me as far back as I can remember. What It was, was a disservice to me and only proved a set up for carting around emotional baggage related to others' expectations.

Perhaps it's the specific upbringing which I had, the fact that my parents are still together, that my family was a military one, or that I was born in the late '80s, coming of age as a millennial. Regardless the variables, in reality things just didn't quite work out in that manner for me. Thus failing to met the expectations set before me....

There is an immense amount of shame that can accompany the deterioration of your presumptive future... Though not necessarily directed at me, it felt as so, and I truly believed myself to be deficient. Arguably, there's a certain agenda imprinted onto generations at an impressionable age as to where success is to be found and what is to be considered unfavorable... Like most things, such a sentiment is more so relevant to the female population. Why is it that boys seem to be allowed exceedingly more forgiveness for their 'mistakes,' than their female counterparts. Patriarchy, I suppose.

Regardless, it has been my experience that the "expected" lineal life should not be considered the norm, nor should the idea be championed... When so, it sets a dangerous prejudice for the psyche when, for whatever reason(s), that actuality does not come to pass.

There are sayings like, "Oh, I'm just glad you had a soft place to land," "It's okay to start over," or "It just wasn't meant to be".... On paper, those are all sayings meant to make you feel better when life doesn't pan out how you wished, when in a choice(s) made comes around to fail you even after you may have put your whole heart completely behind it.

If you're anything like me, your first instinct is to then lock yourself away, both physically and emotionally. Lick your wounds, and slowly climb out of the corner when you've decided it is safe enough to risk being vulnerable again. But every time those sayings are hurled your way, the heart breaks once again, as it is yet another reminder of an invisible tally board keeping track of successes and failures. All of which are typically based on somebody else's timeline, somebody else's expectations.

Speaking from my personal experience, what would have been more helpful or healing, and perhaps been a catalyst for

self-acceptance, would have been if somebody would have said to me: "It was all part of your journey.... While some things make us smile, some things make us frown. You are no less for your perceived failures. If anything, you are more for having lived that experience and since grasped for a greater understanding of what life has to offer. What you think you failed at, made you better equipped to recognize what you'll accept/reject going forward."

Following my life's more traumatic moments and what I dubbed 'Tower events', I have been asked more times than I care to remember. "Weren't you lonely?" If I were honest with them, my response would be, "I'm still lonely. I still feel that way, just under different circumstances"... Depending on their closeness with me they might then argue, "How, Tiffany, can you feel lonely? You've got two kids. You have your parents around. You have an online community which you have gathered over time, and you read for people around the world regularly."

And while all that may be true, the essence of 'anti-lonely' is the idea of feeling understood and seen... When there's still residual effects of feeling 'less-than' because of a life pattern that had a dramatic halt or restart to it, it's hard to feel understood. Let alone, seen. How can you perceive yourself so when so often you feel as if you are speaking in a foreign language when others don't get where you are coming from or why you made the choices you made at the time? It's not about making others liable to translate your emotional landscape then because if you are honest with yourself, sometimes you don't know why you made the choices you did.

It's a continuum of having grace and empathy for the person you were prior to the happenings that changed your life. The things that shaped it in a way which took it from seeing a clear vision for your future, to then not being able to see the horizon at all. It takes tenacity to pull another arrow out of your quiver at that point and intentionally pulled back, aiming for something new across that blurry horizon.. Sure, you have wisdom that you've gained from your past, but damn if you don't have triggers and trauma that bring an entirely new level of difficulty to your path.

It's often the experienced obstacles to one's path which make it more beautiful, especially when you finally sense you're reaching a destination that's long alluded you. Be it self-acceptance, financial security, emotional happiness, or all of the above. The efforts of fighting tooth and nail for one or all of those make it much harder to achieve than originally portrayed, but when you do extends a victory only you can fully appreciate.

Hear it from me, life is not lineal.

I wish that nugget of complex truth had been shared with me sooner.

— For that matter, I wish younger Tiffany had been convinced of her intrinsic value

regardless of what she achieved —

More often than not the act of reteaching something takes a lot more effort for it to stick, than teaching a belief from the onset. During that process there's a degree of overcoming bias, a previous pattern breakdown, which prevents any acceptance of healing or quite frankly of believing oneself worthy of healing at all...

If nobody has told this to you lately, possibly you've never heard it, you are worthy regardless of if/when you choose to heal. You are valuable even in what you deem a broken state.

Your experiences have been beneficial. Your ups and your downs have brought beauty to the tapestry that is your journey in this life.

Guilt that you've held on to out of fear of disappointing loved ones or your community I wish I could take away for you. However, the only person who can release you of that kind of guilt, is yourself.. That is of course made easier when you feel approachable, relevant, cared for, and seen.

Sometimes I think it's my more empathic nature to want to understand motivations. The want to 'get' other's stories makes it paramount I not judge. More so, I think it is the reality of feeling judgment cast upon me, and the weight of that, which lies the true reason I hope to never be the cause of such a weight levied on another's soul.

I've been told a handful of times, "You sure give them a lot of grace..." and that's one of the nicest compliments I think I've ever received. If somebody could be told the same regarding me, I would be extremely grateful.

— Because, yes, my life has not been lineal. It did not live up to exceptions —

The philosopher in me understands that the abstract person above, was, is, and will continue to be myself. The task: giving the woman I am grace in all my moments —today, yesterday, and tomorrow.

May we come into full awareness that we are better off having had half starts and winding roads than straight rides.

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✨ Releasing Expectations Journaling Prompt:

(Use this as an invitation, not an instruction.)

Where in my body do I feel the tension of self‑judgment, and what does that sensation want me to know?

Consider:

- What would change in my life if I treated my needs as non‑negotiable rather than optional?

- What expectations am I carrying that were never mine to begin with?

- What boundaries would I set if I believed my worth was not up for debate?

Let the answers wash over you like a cleansing breath —naturally, and without forcing it.

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If you takeaway anything right now, know you are seen.

You are loved.

By your friend in me, and the Goddess above.

May you trust the shape your life is taking —even when it bends,

Tiffany