It seems from the earliest of years I had this blueprint sitting in front of me of what was next, what was planned, and what was acceptable.... The idea being that you get through school, maybe choosing to continue on to college, but that at some point you enter the workplace. From there you are to dedicate yourself to a career, meet somebody to start a family, that then beginning the process of you establishing yourself as a valid member of your community...This was the trajectory established for me as far back as I can remember... It was a disservice to me and only proved to be a set up for emotional baggage related to others' expectations.
Perhaps it's the specific upbringing which I had, the fact that my parents are still together, that my family was a military one, and or I was born in the late '80s coming to age as a millennial. Regardless of the variables, in reality things just didn't quite work out in such a manner for me, thus failing the expectations set before me....
There is an immense amount of shame that can accompany the deterioration of your presumptive future... Though not necessarily directed at me, it felt as so, and I truly believed myself to be deficient. Arguably, there's a certain agenda imprinted onto generations at an impressionable age as to where success is found and what is to be considered unfavorable... Like most things, such a sentiment is more so relevant to the female population, whereas boys seem to be allowed exceedingly more forgiveness to their mistakes, than their female counterparts....
It has been my experience that the "expected" lineal life should not be considered the norm, nor should the idea be championed... It really sets up a dangerous precedence for the psyche when, for whatever reason(s), the actuality does not come to pass.
There are sayings like, "Oh, I'm just glad you had a soft place to land," or "It's okay to start over," or "It just wasn't meant to be".... On paper, those are all sayings that are meant to make you feel better when life doesn't pan out how you wished it to, as in a choice(s) made that comes around to fail you even after you may have put your whole heart completely behind it...
If you're anything like me, your first instinct is to lock yourself away, both physically and emotionally. Lick your own wounds, and slowly climb out of the corner when you've decided it is safe enough to risk being vulnerable again.... But every time those sayings are placed upon you, the heart breaks once more, as it is yet another reminder of the invisible tally board being kept of successes/failures. All of which is typically based on somebody else's timeline, somebody else's expectations....
Speaking from my personal experience, what would have been more helpful and healing, in so acting as a catalyst for self-acceptance though compassion, would have been for somebody to say to me: "It was all part of your journey.... While some things make us smile and some things make us frown, you are no less for your perceived failures. If anything, you are more for having lived that experience and since grasping a greater understanding of what life has to offer, making you better equipped to recognize what you'll accept/reject going forward"...
Following my life's traumatic moments and 'Tower' events, I have been asked more times than I care to remember. "Weren't you lonely?"...If I were to be honest with them, my retort would be. "I'm still lonely." "I still feel that way, just under different circumstances"... Depending on their closeness with me they might then argue, "Tiffany how can you feel lonely? You've got two autistic kids that need you to an immense degree. You have your parents around. You have an online community which you have gathered over time, and you read for people around the world...",
And while all that is true.... The essence of 'anti-lonely' is the idea of feeling understood and seen... When there's still residual effects of feeling 'less-than' because of a life pattern that had a dramatic halt or restart to it, it's hard to feel understood. Let alone, seen. How can you perceive yourself so when so often you feel as if you are speaking in a foreign tongue when others don't get where you are coming from or why you made the choices you made, at the time you made them? It's not about making others liable to translate your emotional landscape because if you are honest with yourself, you sometimes don't know why you made the choices you made.
It's a continuum of having grace and empathy for the person you were prior to the happenings that changed your life. The things that shaped it in a way that took it from something where you could clearly see the vision for your future, to then not being able to see the horizon...It takes tenacity to pull another arrow out of your quiver and intentionally pulled back, aiming for something new across that horizon.... Sure, you'll have wisdom that you've gained from your past, but damn if you won't have triggers and trauma that will bring a whole other level of difficulty to your path....
It's likely the experienced difficulty and obstacles to one's path do make it more so the beautiful, especially when you finally sense you're reaching a destination which had alluded you...Be it self-acceptance, financial security, emotional happiness, or all of the above, the efforts of you fighting tooth and nail for it after finding it much harder to achieve than originally thought, weaves a victory only you can appreciate fully.
Life is not lineal...
I wish I had been taught that sooner.
I wish younger Tiffany had been convinced of my authentic value regardless of achievements...
More often than not the act of reteaching something takes a lot more effort, with it being increasingly harder to stick, than teaching a passage or belief from the onset.... Through that process there's a degree of overcoming bias, a previous pattern breakdown, which prevents an acceptance of healing or quite frankly of believing oneself worthy of the healing at all...
If nobody has told this to you lately, possibly you've never heard it, you are worthy regardless of if/when you choose to heal, you are valuable.
Your experiences have been beneficial. Your ups and your downs have brought beauty to the tapestry that is your journey in this life....
Guilt that you've held on to out of fear of disappointing loved ones or your community I wish I could take away for you. However, the only person who can release you of that guilt, is you.... That is of course made easier when one feels approachable, relevant, and cared for by those deemed likewise...
Perhaps it's my empathic nature to want to understand everybody's motivations, their story and therefore try my hardest to not judge... More so I think it is the reality of feeling judgment cast upon me, and the weight of that, as the true reason I hope to never be the cause of such a weight levied on another soul....
I've been told a couple of times from a dear friend. "You sure give them a lot of grace..." and that's one of the nicest compliments I think I've ever received.... If somebody could be told the same regarding me, I would be extremely grateful to that person...
My life has not been lineal. It did not live up to what was expected.
The philosopher in me understands that the above abstract person, was, is, and will continue to be myself.... Giving the woman I am today grace in all my moments yesterday and tomorrow be the lesson at hand...
Dare I say expectationally, on this New Moon, and every New Moon after it, I will continue to manifest a future that is better off having half starts and winding roads than a straight ride.
You are seen. You are loved. By your friend in me, and the Goddess above!
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